Healing Through Forgiveness

This blog explores the journey of forgiveness for survivors of abuse and trauma. It examines common misconceptions about forgiveness, the emotional challenges it can involve, and the personal benefits of letting go of anger and resentment. Drawing from lived experience and therapeutic insights, the blog offers a step-by-step framework for understanding and practicing forgiveness, while emphasizing that healing is possible with or without choosing to forgive.

Table of Contents

Introduction

The Impact of Unforgiveness

Exposure To Forgiveness

Defining Forgiveness

The Journey of Forgiveness

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Conclusion

Introduction

Forgiveness was not my plan. In fact, if you asked me if I’d ever forgive those who hurt me, I’d laugh and say absolutely not. I fully planned to heal, but I would say forgiveness wasn’t necessary for my healing. I desperately wanted to heal from the horrific abuse and chronic trauma I had survived, yet I vehemently swore off how forgiveness could be part of my healing. 

In my greenhouse of healing, I tended to many plants: safety, trauma processing, boundaries, self-awareness, empowerment, self-compassion, connection, coping skills, positive self-talk, acceptance, autonomy, release from shame and guilt, and a strong sense of identity. Tending to each was on my to-do list for healing.

Since my teenage years, I cultivated this greenhouse with care. I nurtured positive self-talk like sunlight. I gently and gradually pruned the tangled roots of traumatic memories. I watered and cultivated coping skills until they took root. But in the far corner stood a pot labeled Forgiveness. Inside it, a shriveled sprout—neglected, overlooked, and withering. For years, I refused to nourish the healing that forgiveness could offer. Then, after more than a decade of tending my other plants, I finally acknowledged that wilted, fragile stem. Curiosity stirred, and I began to wonder what life it might hold if I gave it care.

The Impact of Unforgiveness

My biggest barrier to practicing forgiveness was that I had a complete misunderstanding of what forgiveness was and what it wasn’t. Often times, survivors of abuse have a misconception of what forgiveness is. I had an inaccurate definition so ingrained in me that I refused to consider the remote possibility that I was wrong. 

For survivors of abuse, forgiveness often seems like an excuse for the abuse. Claiming that what happened was okay, that forgiveness relieves someone of justice or consequences for their actions. That forgiveness was even submitting to the power imbalance that the perpetrator of abuse held over the survivor. Forgiveness was about the other person and relieving them of the facts of their awful actions. Forgiveness was fake, placating the other person and allowing them to get away with their crimes. Forgiveness was neglecting myself to maintain the status quo and the convenience of other people who were incapable of facing the reality of how despicable the predator’s actions were. 

I was wrong. 

My misunderstanding of forgiveness grew into a deep resentment and even a vengeful feelings. Even small harms like a conflict with a friend or appropriate discipline from a parent—ignited extreme anger in me. I couldn’t release it, no matter the severity or circumstances. I wielded my anger like a weapon, determined to one day strike back at those who hurt me.

But over time, I realized that clinging to anger never harmed the other person. At best, it created more conflict; at worst, the chance for revenge never came. Being hurt was like having burning coals hurled at me. Out of determination to retaliate, I scooped those coals into my bare hands, gripping them tightly. I told myself that one day, I’d hurl them back at my offenders. But the longer I held on, the more they scorched me.

At first, my anger felt protective. The searing pain reminded me that what happened to me was wrong and should not be ignored. It validated my suffering in a way others had failed to. But with time, the coals sank deeper, blistering my skin, charring the flesh beneath, and festering into infection. The fire spread through me, shaping how I thought, spoke, and acted toward others and myself. My anger did not stay contained—it smoldered within me, consuming me from the inside out.

It took years of my counselor patiently yet persistently challenging my idea of forgiveness for me to see the truth. With firmness balanced by gentleness, she showed me that my rage was not harming those who hurt me. The weapon I thought I carried was cutting into me alone. The hot coals I gripped so tightly were never meant to be thrown—they were only burning me.

Exposure To Forgiveness

Some people believe counselors should always approach their clients with caution, complacency, and compassion, never disrupting their pain. Others believe counselors should avoid challenging clients to face hard realities, confront immaturity, or push for growth with assertiveness.

I feel fortunate that my counselor balanced both approaches—compassionate support and direct challenge. This was especially true when she addressed my misconceptions about forgiveness. When she first tried to explain what forgiveness was and wasn’t, I flatly refused to believe her. Again and again, I insisted she was wrong, convinced that forgiving those who hurt me was nothing more than a scam.

Then one day, she chose to challenge me in a completely new way. Some might disagree with her method, yet for me, it became a turning point. She didn’t come at me with definitions, concepts, or logic. Instead, her challenge came in the form of a single phrase—a phrase that struck me deeper than any debate ever could.

That phrase was “little girl.”

Certain words, phrases, or statements can be triggering to survivors of abuse. This happens because the abuser once used those same words, attaching them to painful memories that linger long after the abuse has ended. This was true for me.

The phrase “little girl” was a strong trigger for me. Even when people used it innocently to describe children, my body reacted as if I were under threat. My heart raced, sweat broke across my skin, nausea rose into my throat, and I wanted to scream that children weren’t “little”, they were small. To me, “little girl” didn’t mean a young child; it carried oppressive, betraying, cruel, degrading, powerless, and painful connotations.

One day, during a session, my counselor referenced a thought pattern that developed in childhood and she referenced it as, “When you were a little girl…” My body reacted instantly. I tensed, adrenaline coursing through my muscles. My face twisted into fury, glaring at her as though she were the one who had abused me. My mind and body screamed: fight.

She paused, watching my visible outrage, then softly and compassionately said, “I’m sorry I referred to you as a little girl.” My eyes widened. The anger drained from me in an instant. Confusion rushed in. I trusted her deeply—our relationship had always been strong, positive, and safe. I knew she would never intentionally cause me harm. And yet, in that moment, she had triggered me. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, there was purpose in what happened.

Sitting in stunned silence, I wrestled with emotions I couldn’t name. She didn’t push me to speak. She gave me that silence, allowing me space to process. When I finally found words, I changed the subject. I wasn’t ready to recognize what had just occurred, a genuine apology met with my choice to forgive. And I wanted to forgive her.

In our next session, I told her, “I forgive you for triggering me. Please don’t call me a little girl again.” She agreed. Although it may seem like a like a small act, that moment was experience of intentionally choosing to forgive. It challenged my old beliefs and placed me in a new position, one where I actively wanted to forgive.

Defining Forgiveness

What is forgiveness? 

To understand what forgiveness is, it helps to first clarify what it is not. Forgiveness is not about the other person, although this is a common misconception. It is not forgetting the wrong that was committed, sweeping it under the rug, or ignoring what happened. Forgiveness does not excuse harmful actions or justify someone’s behavior. It is not the same as reconciliation; you are not required to reconnect with those who have caused harm.

Forgiveness is not the immediate re-establishment of trust, as trust takes time to rebuild. It does not minimize the harm done or dismiss the severity of the impact. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, nor does it mean taking on the role of a doormat. It is not about allowing further harm to occur or neglecting the boundaries necessary to protect yourself.

Forgiveness is not a one-time act; it is something that often requires ongoing processing and reflection. It does not condone or explain away harmful actions, even when considering the influences or motivations behind them. And finally, forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who caused harm

Forgiveness is a personal choice. It is the decision to no longer be controlled by the negative feelings resulting from the harm caused. Forgiveness is releasing resentment and vengefulness toward the person who harmed you. It is reclaiming your power, taking control over your own thoughts and behaviors, free from the influence of the other person and their actions.

Forgiveness is a strength. It is the ability to release painful feelings and move forward without replaying the harm over and over in your mind. It is setting boundaries, prioritizing your own wellness and needs, regardless of how others feel. Forgiveness is separating your personal identity from the experience of abuse and harmful actions committed.

Forgiveness also involves understanding the context of someone’s behavior without excusing it. It means recognizing the influences or circumstances that shaped their actions and acknowledging the complexity of human behavior while still holding them accountable. Forgiveness allows you to recognize the harm done without needing to cling to rage as a way to justify its severity. It requires separating yourself from their actions—understanding that, although you were the victim and it may feel deeply personal, their behavior reflects their own motivations and patterns, not something inherently about you.

Forgiveness is emotional release. It is setting down the heavy and debilitating burden of vengefulness from your body and mind. It is boundary-setting, choosing healthier relationships, and preventing opportunities for further harm by the perpetrator. And finally, forgiveness is a gift for yourself, something you give to yourself freely without depending on the other person’s accountability.

Forgive, even if they never apologize for their harmful actions. 

The Journey of Forgiveness

There are several strategies and approaches to gaining forgiveness. As forgiving someone is a process unique to each individual, it’s important to recognize that one method may not be effective for another. Forgiveness is not something you can force upon yourself or another person. It is an ongoing process that requires intentional effort and time. Some people find forgiveness through spiritual or religious practices, drawing strength from prayer, meditation, or faith traditions. Others learn to forgive through clinical and therapeutic approaches, such as counseling, trauma work, or guided self-compassion exercises. Still, others come to forgiveness through self-reflection and independent processing of their experiences as they grow in emotional intelligence and maturity.

No matter the approach, forgiveness involves acknowledging pain, processing experiences and  emotions, and gradually choosing release over resentment. It is essential to respect the uniqueness of each path, honoring the steps along the way and the time it takes for someone to truly reach forgiveness.

Some people follow stages for reaching forgiveness: Acknowledging the harm done, processing the emotions and experiences, making a conscious choice to forgive, understanding the context of someone’s actions, letting go of resentment and anger, and integrating forgiveness into life.

Acknowledgement 

Acknowledging the harm is the first step. The survivor must fully recognize and face the reality of what happened as well as how it has impacted them. This involves defining and describing the experiences and assigning meaning to them in a way that separates the actions from being a reflection of personal worth. In other words, it means de-personalizing the other person’s behavior—recognizing that their choices were a result of their own flaws, pain, or limitations, not a statement about your value as a human being.

It is also critical to name the feelings that resulted, such as anger, betrayal, fear, sadness, and grief. Acknowledging the harm includes validating your pain as real and rational, without relying on the recognition or approval of others.

Processing 

Processing the experiences and emotions from the harm done is necessary for healing, even if forgiveness isn’t the ultimate goal. Survivors of abuse need the opportunity to fully experience distressing emotions from the experience without judgment, criticism, or restraint. This can feel overwhelming, and it requires both a safe external environment and an inner sense of safety to cope effectively with the intensity of these feelings.

People process traumatic experiences and distressing emotions in many different ways. Some use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a clinical therapeutic approach that allows the survivor to revisit traumatic experiences in the safe setting of a counselor’s office. EMDR helps them reprocess these memories, connect with the painful emotions in a contained way, and gradually release their hold.

Others turn to the creative arts to give shape to their emotions—writing poetry, journaling experiences, composing song lyrics, playing or writing music that reflects their pain, painting or drawing images of their feelings, or even expressing their story through theater and performance.

Understanding these intense emotions as a normal and an expected stage of healing is an essential part of recovery.

Choosing to Forgive

Simply declaring “I forgive” or “I will forgive,” does not mean forgiveness has truly taken root in your heart and mind. These statements identify the desire or goal to forgive, but they are only the beginning. Forgiveness is a conscious decision that requires both intentional effort and time.

This step involves separating forgiveness from excusing harmful behavior or reconciling with the person who caused the harm. It requires gaining a deeper understanding of what forgiveness truly is, and just as importantly, what it is not. Choosing to forgive means challenging long-held misconceptions or preconceived beliefs that may distort your view of forgiveness.

At its core, this choice recognizes that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the other person. It does not depend on their acknowledgement, accountability, or apology. Instead, it is about reclaiming your power and beginning the process of freeing yourself from the hold of resentment and pain.

Context 

Understanding the context of someone’s harmful actions can be a helpful step toward forgiveness. It means gaining perspective on why the person acted as they did, without excusing or justifying their behavior.

For example, a child who grows up witnessing their father physically abuse their mother may come to see violence as normal. As a result, they may repeat these same behaviors themselves. Even as an adult, fully aware that violence is wrong, they may struggle to break free from those learned behavior patterns. This does not excuse their actions, but it does provide clarity about the roots of their behavior.

Recognizing context is about acknowledging the complexity of human behavior and understanding how early experiences shape thought thoughts, behaviors, and choices. Research shows that the generational cycle of violence is real: children who experience or witness abuse are significantly more likely to perpetuate similar forms of violence in adulthood.

The most powerful way to break this cycle is through self-awareness and accountability—taking responsibility for one’s own healing and actively choosing to unlearn harmful behaviors.

At times, empathy and compassion naturally become part of understanding the context behind someone’s harmful actions. Returning to the example of a child growing up in a violent home: compassion allows us to see that this person was not born abusive, but rather learned abusive behaviors from observing the behaviors of the adults around them. 

I can hold compassion for the child who was hurt, who internalized violence as normal, without excusing the violent actions they later chose as an adult. I can feel compassion for the child who carried unhealed trauma into adulthood and repeated the cycle—while still affirming that their trauma does not justify their behavior.

A victim of violence is never responsible for the harm they experienced or witnessed. Yet, as adults, it becomes their responsibility to heal, break the cycle, and choose not to perpetuate the same harm against others.

Letting Go

The next step is letting go of resentment and rage—releasing anger, bitterness, and the desire for revenge. It is not necessary to hold onto anger to pursue justice.

This was a significant realization in my own healing journey. I wanted justice, and I believed that to achieve it, I needed to get revenge on the person who hurt me so they could finally understand the gravity of their actions. But the truth is, some people will actively choose to not understand. They will intentionally avoid the emotions tied to acknowledgement, accountability, and remorse.

This was my reality. I had to learn to emotionally and mentally detach from my anger while still validating the harm that had been done. I discovered that I could find healing, acknowledgement, and validation within myself—without depending on someone else’s willingness to take responsibility for their actions.

Integration

The final step is integrating forgiveness into your life. This means actively choosing to release hurt when someone causes you pain, rather than clinging to resentment. It is experiencing emotional relief and self-empowerment despite another person’s actions.

Integration also involves setting and maintaining healthy boundaries by being clear about how you expect to be treated and taking action when those expectations are violated. It is honoring your self-respect and reclaiming your personal power.

To integrate forgiveness is to live from a place where your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are fully your own—no longer dictated or controlled by the hurt and anger caused by those who harmed you.

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible 

Sometimes forgiveness feels like being asked to breathe underwater—it is simply impossible. The very thought of forgiving someone who hurt you can feel ridiculous, even insulting or dismissive if others bring it up. These reactions are normal, and your feelings are valid.

Forgiveness does not come with a timeline. If it doesn’t feel right for you, that doesn’t mean you are failing at healing. You can make meaningful progress without focusing on forgiveness. Instead, turn your energy toward other methods of healing: practicing self-compassion, allowing yourself to feel anger and resentment without judgment, and seeking support through mental health services, peer advocates, support groups, and trusted friends or mentors.

You don’t need to add forgiveness to your healing “to-do list” in order to learn about it. Exploring forgiveness can still be valuable, whether you’re considering major harms like abuse or smaller offenses such as a friend canceling plans you were looking forward to. Understanding forgiveness can strengthen your relationships and emotional resilience, even if you’re not ready or willing to forgive someone who caused you deep harm. And it’s vital to remember: forgiveness does not equal trust or reconciliation. You can forgive while still protecting yourself, setting boundaries, and choosing distance as an act of self-love. You decide how you want to be treated, and you safeguard your own inner peace.

Even when forgiveness feels impossible, you can honor your healing journey by respecting your pace, choosing the practices that support your growth, and holding space for the possibility that forgiveness, whether great or small, may one day feel less like drowning and more like a breath of freedom.

Conclusion 

Forgiveness is not a single moment or a quick fix. It is an ongoing process that cannot be forced onto anyone. For some, forgiveness becomes a meaningful part of healing, while for others, it does not feel necessary or even possible. Both paths are valid. Survivors often carry misconceptions about forgiveness, and those misunderstandings can lead to deeper resentment, avoidance, or the perpetuation of anger. That is why learning what forgiveness truly is and what it is not, is such an important part of reclaiming your own healing journey.

Forgiveness is not a one-size-fits-all act. It has many approaches and requires intentional effort, reflection, and time. At its core, forgiveness is about self-validation rather than depending on the remorse, acknowledgment, or accountability of the person who caused harm. It is about creating emotional freedom for yourself, whether that means choosing to forgive or choosing to focus on other forms of healing.

It is equally important to recognize that forgiveness is never a prerequisite for healing from abuse. You can make profound progress in your healing without ever engaging in forgiveness. And yet, for those who decide to embrace it, forgiveness can become a powerful step—one that brings emotional relief, greater clarity, and a sense of empowerment over one’s own life.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a personal choice, shaped by your experiences, your perspectives, your needs, and your readiness. There is no right or wrong way to approach it. What matters most is honoring your journey, practicing compassion for yourself, and remembering that healing—whether through forgiveness or not—is always possible.